Confessions

beachI like people a lot. Generally speaking, most people seem to like me too (either that, or they’re all just really good actors…) If you were to ask someone to describe me, you’d likely hear words like “Nice, sweet, friendly, cheerful…”

Those descriptions are all rather pleasant. Honestly, I like people to think of me that way. I want people to like me and think I’m nice and fun to be around.

But occasionally, it feels like I get stuck in a rut…that I become so caught up in maintaining the reputation others have given me (or attaining the rep I want), that I become afraid to be real. You have no idea how many times someone has said to me, “Sasha, you could never be mean! You’re like, the sweetest person ever. I bet you never get angry.”

It’s all I can do not reply with, “Welp thanks but…think it’s safe to say you don’t know me.”

I get it. There are some people I will be more real and vulnerable with than others. Some people will see my quirky or random or weak areas more than others. That’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably a good thing most people don’t know what I’m really thinking a lot of the time. ‘Cause, I’ll be honest, guys–it’s not nearly as polished and pretty as I what I so often attempt to portray.

According to Psalm 16:2, we have no good apart from the Lord. That means, without Jesus in my life, I would be a big fat zero. Ugly. Messy. Nothing.

That sounds harsh. But lets be honest here…

If I was acting purely on my emotions/own terms, there would be a whole lot of ugly coming out.  Normally, my first inclinations of how to respond aren’t the best. If it weren’t for Holy Spirit checking me to actually think twice/evaluate my heart and actions according to Scripture…

There’d be lots of hurt feelings and broken relationships. Tons of resentment and self-hatred. Shame. So much  more careless speech and gossip. An empty,  self-focused existence. Unmet needs and expectations from friendships. Roller coaster emotions. Way more plots for revenge. Anger.

Here’s the deal, guys– I struggle so much in my daily walk with Jesus. I say terrible things. I make assumptions about others, and am often quick to cast judgement. So many times, I get caught riding the wave of my emotions and I act according to my feelings in the moment, instead of according to God’s love.

I am a weak and broken person, who is being made perfect in Christ. Yes, I still struggle with temptation and still make poor choices…but I have a hope and future in the Lord. I can trust Holy Spirit to lead and guide me closer and closer to Jesus, and to living in a way that reflects His heart.

“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 1:6

But, if you took Jesus out of the equation, I would just be a weak and broken person with no hope.

By herself, Sasha is not loving or sweet or cheerful or kind. She’s actually pretty grumpy, self-centered, and led by her emotions.

But with God, I am rooted and grounded in love. And even in the midst of mistakes and growing pains, I can find peace in knowing that, those things don’t define me. Heck, even my awesome moments don’t define me…only Jesus does.

He’s the one who’s really good.

Blessings,

Sasha

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